Over the last few weeks, I have had this sinking feeling, that my life has pulled up to a stop. I feel stagnant, I know where I want to be, and who I want to be, but I am not moving towards this. I have thought long and hard, about what it is that I want, and concluded, that the most important thing for me right now, is to find myself.
I know that I am a caring person, sometimes to my own detriment, but I want to do more to help others. I also know that I can be fun and spontaneous (when I am well), but I feel that I have never truly experienced the freedom necessary, to let this side of me blossom. What I’m getting at, is that I have decided to take a gap from my studies, and the majority of my responsibilities. I believe that this is the best thing that I can do for myself, and as selfish as it might seem, letting down other people’s hopes, and aspirations for me, it is what I truly want.
In just under a months time, I leave Dunedin (New Zealand), which has been my home for the last 6 years, and embark on my own journey. The first stop is Queensland in Australia, the land of sun, sea, and evidently nightlife. There is no concrete plan set in place for after this, and that is the way I want it. I want to see what it is like to go with my heart, when there are no restrictions holding me back.
For those of you who are wondering, nursing will always be my passion, and I fully intend to finish off my third year of study towards my bachelor, after this gap (which will be either 6 months or a year long). I love the feeling that caring for others gives me, and it is something that I never want to lose. For now, however, it is time to take care of myself. As someone wise once told me: “Before you can help others, you have to help yourself.” I finally understand what they meant.
If you are reading this, I want you to think about where it is that you want to be right now. Is there something you would change? Do you have hidden desires? If the answer is yes, then please, put yourself first. Be fearless, because as cheesy as it sounds, we do only live once, and we owe it to ourselves, to live the fullest life possible.
I have grown so much over the past year, and it has all come from finally learning to be on my own. I have always believed myself to be unworthy of a life of freedom, but I now see, that it is not about what you deserve, it is about what you choose. You are not a kind, or loving person, by default, you choose to be these things. You are not the things that have happened to you, but how you choose to move past them. I am proud of myself for overcoming some of my inner demons this past year, and I look forward to meeting myself, when I have conquered them all.
Thank you for coming along on this journey with me, I am so excited for what the future holds for us all. Lots of love, Violet xox